jamie d photography

It is fall of 2009. We were in the middle of shooting Lyndon’s cabinetry when we found out in October I was pregnant with our second baby. This was not a surprise as we desired to have more children and have them close together. I was excited to be pregnant again and for Myla to have a sibling. The moment you find out that you are pregnant you start to dream about everything. Your mind is often daydreaming about the new life inside of you! I was no different.

This past December marks two years ago when I miscarriage our second baby at twelve weeks. The moment I suspected the miscarriage the Lord softly spoke, “Be still and know that I am God” Psalm 46:10. God was and is not punishing me, and this trial is not his wrath (as we will never experience it), but God is after something. He is after my heart. He wants me to draw near to him and learn to trust him when I cannot track his wisdom or understand what he is doing.

The miscarriage has been disorienting as I thought my life would look one way, and it is much different now, even two years later. The first year the loss and sorrow remain surprisingly strong in my heart. And being honest, the grief and pain still bring tears to my eyes. I have learned to embrace the waves of feelings surrounding the loss and to be ok when they hit. And they hit at the most un-expectant times. Something will trigger a thought, whether it is a date on the calendar or seeing a mother in the grocery store with two children, or catching myself daydreaming of being pregnant again, or being hopeful each month that I might become pregnant. The waves of emotions crash upon my heart. They are not neat or tidy like I would prefer them to be. And yet in the midst of my sorrow I know that Christ is present. He sees every tear that I cry. He made me. He knows my frame. I am not alone.  He promises to never leave me or forsake me (Hebrew 13:5). Jerry Bridge states in his message trusting God, “the promises of God are as real as the circumstance you are in.”

A man can plan, but it is the Lord who directs his steps. Let’s be honest, it is no secret that I love to plan and have control. I like to know what is ahead, goals to accomplish and cross off and what is on my to do list. The miscarriage and time has shown me that God has had other plans for my life that I did not see. As December of 2009 moved quickly into 2010 I did not know what it would look like for me. I had been thinking of sleepless nights, diapers to be change, and holding a new baby. I did not think much about the role of photography in my life. In my mind photography would be used to take pictures of Myla and of Lyndon’s cabinetry. I did not dream of anything bigger beyond these two areas.

I did not understand, (nor claim to really understand even now) what God is doing; however He continued to direct my steps. Doors opened for me to shoot my first wedding in May 2010. I am forever thankful for Graham and Hannah for trusting me and giving me a chance to capture the most important day in their life! I loved everything about shooting their wedding!! A seed to a dream was planted. I ended 2010 with shooting five weddings and booking several for the next year. This was completely unexpected and a surprise that brought joy in the midst of sorrow. jamie d photography was born.

This is how God has directed my steps in the sorrow and the unknown. He has given me an unexpected gift and love of photography that I never dreamt of. He walks with us in sorrow and pain. He is not far, but near directing each one of our steps. Thank you for taking the time to read this and hearing my heart. You can read part one here, part two here, and part three here. And you know what; there is still more of my journey to share.

Graham and Hannah, Thank you for your trust and support!!

Several favorites from their wedding!

you can see several of the weddings I shot in 2010 here,  here, and second shot here.

a self portrait of Myla and I on the baby’s due date in June 2010.

Myla means merciful. She is the sweetest gift of mercy to me. Myla has filled my life with joy!

Here are pictures celebrating her second birthday!

Love her bottom lip!

When Lyndon bought the camera from Lee’s Camera Center, a local camera shop, he opted to purchase their full service tutorial. This included lessons, updates, and a cleaning. The next available free Saturday morning I drove to Lee’s for my first lesson. At this time I knew one thing. I did not want the flash to pop up. I learned if I shot on “P” the flash did not pop up. The second thing I learned how to change the picture style to shoot in black and white. Since digital cameras came out I gave up my film camera which I often shot with black and white film and I was happy to now have instant black and white pictures! Probably not the two most important lessons learned, but the first two that I remember. I took notes that morning and went home with my camera to practice.

At this time I also asked several friends who were already into photography for websites or blogs of photographers they love or where to go to learn. They graciously shared their favorites and I too began searching and reading blogs. Thank you friends for sharing!! Two that I can remember were Momtog and Me Ra Koh Photography. As I sat in front of the computer while Myla napped I was captivated by their images, and how they told a story. The images were beautiful and captured emotions and expressions in the moments. A desire in me began to grow to tell a story with my images and capture everyday moments of us.

I spent many Saturday mornings at Lee’s with paper and pen taking notes and asking questions. Lots of questions. And then some more questions. I was eager to understand my camera and how to get my pictures to capture the story. I practiced almost every day on my daughter. In different rooms inside, different time of the day, outside and still sometimes in black and white too! I would look at the setting and try to make sense of all the numbers. My pictures did not have beautiful blurry backgrounds, they were plain blurry. I was frustrated. I did not understand why they were so blurry. I would head back to Lee’s and ask more questions.

After two months I asked what it meant to shoot in manual. I wanted to learn. I wanted to understand what aperture, ISO and shutter speed all meant and how they all worked together. I processed these three elements on a very basic level. I left determined to line up the light meter in the middle and shoot in manual. This seemed simple in my mind. I knew that I was missing shots or moments because I was learning which way to scroll. I knew that my images came out blurry because I did not understand my camera. This pushed me to keep shooting, keep reading, and keep asking questions.

During my research and learning, Lyndon would listen to my new little discoveries along the way. He was quiet and supportive. He let me learn at my pace and he watched me grow. For mother’s day he purchased two of Me Ra Koh’s videos: Refuse to say cheese and Beyond the Green Box. I sat down and watched them. I made adjustments to my camera setting that Me Ra recommended. I watched the video with Lyndon. I watched the video again and took notes. I wanted to learn. (If you are in the beginning and want to learn I would recommend these two videos as a great place to start!)

By May (three months since Lyndon purchase my camera and kit lens) I was frustrated with my kit lens. The kit lens would not create blurry backgrounds (bokeh) no matter what I tried. I asked Lyndon to purchase a lens with a lower aperture. He agreed. I remember coming home and taking my first pictures of Myla outside with my new lens (85mm 1.8) and I fell in love. First with Lyndon for giving me opportunity to grow and learn and secondly with photography. The 1.8 aperture created the blurry background that I so desired. I was excited and still had so much to learn!

So, this got much longer then expected. Thanks for reading this. I love details and reminiscing how photography entered my life un-expectantly. There is more to my story and I will keep sharing it. You can read part one here.

two of my first pictures with my new lens.still the first day taking pictures; however inside.These two are the the next morning. I took pictures at all times of the day!I remember shooting this picture and being excited to capture her long eyelashes and little nose.